Chudleigh Counselling and Psychotherapy

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Relationship MOT Part One

By devon-counselling, Jan 25 2014 01:15PM

Something that keeps coming up when I'm working with couples is the different ways that we show our love for our partners and how often, sadly, such apparently simple communication can go awry.

What can trip us up is that there is not one single, simple language of love (despite what the songs say). And we generally show love to our partners in the way that we like to receive it, without realising that we might as well be 'speaking Russian' for all the effect it has. For example, Your partner might make you an early morning cup of tea because he is feeling loving towards you. Sadly, you might not realise his motivation. You might just think he's trying to hurry you to get up! Meanwhile, you might be feeling a bit unloved because it's been a very long time since he actually said that he loves you. Because you haven't talked about this, you could potentially go on failing to communicate and gradually become distant and discontented.

What we should be doing is asking the our partner how they would like to be shown love. What can we say or do, to let them know they are loved?

For example when one person was asked what an expression of love was for him, he said it was when his partner held his hand when they were out in town shopping. It didn't have to be all the time, but by slipping her hand into his occasionally, for just a few moments, he experienced a real lift and it helped him feel connected to her. The importance of this example is that she had no idea this small gesture was so significant to him.

Some people are resistant to telling their partner what it is that they actually like, because they think that this somehow devalues the loving gesture. Maybe this belief was okay when we were children and our parents often seemed to know exactly what we needed. But when we are adults, it's a far better strategy to teach our partner our particular 'language' of love and then we can sit back and reap the reward.

How about asking your partner today how you can show them your love and then let them know what does it for you. You may be surprised by the results.

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